tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-70759414363403689422024-03-05T11:32:12.847-08:00aspace2bMariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01662764390340184448noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075941436340368942.post-51937946349296769082010-06-25T05:34:00.000-07:002010-06-29T06:45:04.406-07:00So what do you want?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8AdPkQkdgQlQWMD1UJxBQc6B_iLYWEA3ZMb9jqjiks5GZZ9sH4V1t-KVBTAY1JNlA4nUYZOht8SGOz1qIOW4jcP16c8ZhyphenhyphenSpowJBSqHBkUQdTkldgicoRoxgRCSinK7jkT3tVz_9B_AU/s1600/istock_generic_77281.gif"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 90px; height: 70px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8AdPkQkdgQlQWMD1UJxBQc6B_iLYWEA3ZMb9jqjiks5GZZ9sH4V1t-KVBTAY1JNlA4nUYZOht8SGOz1qIOW4jcP16c8ZhyphenhyphenSpowJBSqHBkUQdTkldgicoRoxgRCSinK7jkT3tVz_9B_AU/s400/istock_generic_77281.gif" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5488190168267929282" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Do you get tired of knowing you want something but never getting it? For example getting to that weight or dress size, saying you'll do all that is needed to get there for example go to the gym, join a bootcamp, go jogging, the list goes on.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Well don't worry you're not the only one I know from experience a lot of people find it hard. I know some even stop telling friends and family they keep it secret, then they won't be held accountable in any way. For this article I'm going to use the example of wanting to be a size 10 but it can be anything.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">The first step is to relax! Yes relax stop beating yourself up about it, just sit calmly for ten minutes and really think - what do you want?</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">What's important to you in being a size 10?</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">What does it look like? For example you say I want to be a size 10 so tell me what does size 10 look like to you? </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Now really picture yourself a size 10, often I'm told "it's when I'll be able to wear ....." Great well see yourself in that, get a real feel for how size 10 looks and now how it feels. So imagine putting on that dress, bikini or whatever it is.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">If you don't have a piece of clothing in mind - get one, something you would really love to wear. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Imagine where you'll be putting this lovely item of clothing on - in the shop changing room or your bedroom?</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Now imagine how good you'll feel wearing such a gorgeous dress, really get into it. The unconscious doesn't distinguish between 'real' or a vividly imagined scenario so</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:georgia;"> it is very powerful.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">What I'm really asking you to do is develop and refine a goal but a very special goal, one that is unique to you, one that you can really see and feel. You will feel anticipation and excitement when you describe this goal to a good friend, loved one, your life coach or personal trainer.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">This is the first step on your action plan to getting what you want, to being successful your way!</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Yes of course physical exercise and diet would be in your action plan getting you to a size 10. However the very first step and often the one that is skimmed over, not fully explored or just missed out is about you really defining and being crystal clear about what YOU want - it's your goal.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">If you have any questions about this article or would like to discuss your particular circumstance please feel free to get in touch.</span></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div>Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01662764390340184448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075941436340368942.post-70252534187665659152010-06-07T08:21:00.000-07:002010-06-09T01:51:56.295-07:00How coaching can make the difference - Carol's story<div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Carol works full time and has three children aged 12 to 17, she feels like a single/married woman as her husband travels a lot with his job. She finds her life very stressful saying "every minute is accounted for, it's like walking a tight rope". </div><div style="text-align: justify;">Carol had difficulty in sleeping and initially came to me to find ways of reorganising her time so she could switch off, sleep better and manage home and career better. However after our initial discussion it became clear to both of us that at the root of her stress and anxiety was her fear of making decisions. A real fear that affected her work and home life.</div><div style="text-align: justify;">The risk of making decisions without her husband or her manager was debilitating because she could be wrong. Now being very thorough Carol had an impressive list of all the wrong decisions she had made to prove to me that she always needed someone to oversee her or guide her.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">The fear of making mistakes had resulted in a paralysis in her life not just her career, she also felt it physically in her body. She was very smart at avoiding or delaying situations where major decisions had to be made. Carol was stuck in a rut.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">We agreed four coaching meetings of one hour, we would review how things were on our fourth and final meeting. Within the meetings we were able to reframe her mistakes as opportunities for learning and experience. So her mistakes were normalised as part of of her learning process at work and at home.</div><div style="text-align: justify;">We also looked at where the fears came from which led to some real understanding of her self and her resulting behaviour. In small and deliberate steps she began to take risks and started to trust herself more and more and this built on her new found confidence.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">Four meetings was just right for Carol when we met three months later her confidence and trust in herself had really grown. She was sleeping a lot better and she looked very different her body language had radically changed telling me here was a confident and relaxed woman. When asked about making decisions she put quite simply - "its part of the course of daily life not like the huge mountains I had climb before our meetings, that was an exhausting way to live".</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Carol is not her real name and permission has been given to publish this scenario from the original client (11/09).</span></i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div>Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01662764390340184448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075941436340368942.post-63921484686251344672010-05-12T06:31:00.000-07:002010-05-13T03:14:46.311-07:00Starting a charity part time - crazy!<div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:georgia, serif;">Starting a charity on a very part time basis is crazy especially when you're self - employed. This means you spend your time working or getting the work in and for me add in two growing boys, a long legged very fast dog, a small fluffy cat and one very supportive husband (thankfully) - there is no time and yet, somehow it's happening.</span></div><div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:georgia, serif;">Sam and I have been working hard, after our initial funding and a very successful pilot project we are now tightening up our funding applications, our aims and produced a funding activity plan, oh yes we even have a strategy and business plan!</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:georgia, serif;">Starting a charity is just like starting your own business so in many respects this is familiar ground to us.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:georgia, serif;">Sam created Illuminate eighteen months ago and I became involved with the training aspect and got hooked. So together we want to build a professional and dynamic service that offers a unique programme to people wanting to make fundamental change in their lives. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">Currently Illuminate is just hovering on the registered charity border so any new income will catapult us into the new status of being registered.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;"> Coming from a self - employed business angle we see things a little differently, the question keeps arising why do most third sector organisations pay so poorly? </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:georgia;">I'm very aware of the added value factor that is feeling good, giving back, sharing the charities values, that drives people to apply for the jobs. However having worked for some very good charities I'm aware that you can only take staff so far on this 'doing good, feeling good' line, if you really want to keep talent you will have to reward and we know rewards come in all sorts of packages and it is salary that is linked closely to feelings of personal success and status. There is a fluid workforce who see it as a stepping stone onto something else probably earning them more money, so staff turnover is something some charities have to factor in to their long term business strategy.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">The exciting part is the energy generated for all involved with Illuminate, hearing the feedback, reading the evaluations and actually seeing the change in people is really inspiring. We know it's a winner and when the hard work of searching for the right funding really hits you need the commitment and time. </div><div style="text-align: justify;">Time is key here and that's something like most of you I lack however it's amazing how you find the time when you believe in something. This really has reminded me about the magic of time management. When I really want something, I'm really clear, I can really see it, touch it, feel it - I find the time, it's magic! OK not magic ... but windows of opportunity appear and prioritising takes on a new look. The real magic is in the enthusiasm and the good will from all who are supporting us.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">This is why I still have my coach, not just for supervision for my profession, but also for me - my thoughts, ideas and aspirations. And I do have some aspirations to realise, I still want to change the world!</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div></div></div>Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01662764390340184448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075941436340368942.post-48423993743121850822010-04-08T22:52:00.000-07:002010-04-08T23:29:14.975-07:00Language at work- Canvassing ideas!<div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:arial, serif;">You've probably noticed that it is the women at work who will often ask for ideas, opinions and thoughts from others, more than the men. We like to hear what others think and some of us feel it's good to have others input but of course that does not mean we will actually put into action your ideas or opinions.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, serif;">This type of behaviour is often done to build rapport or as a sign of respect and sometimes genuine curiosity, it is a female way of working but not exclusively. Some women are very aware that this is a signal of good team working or one of the foundations of building a team depending on the context and who could be observing. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, serif;">When coaching one to one men tell me they can find this behaviour tiresome as some will interpret it as indecisiveness or being easily swayed, others can see it as great team working but not necessarily as good leadership. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, serif;">We all know that being asked our ideas and opinions can be flattering and a good conversation opener but used too often this tactic will backfire and can even be seen as manipulative. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, serif;">Being aware of your impact and behaviour within the team and the organisation as a whole can bring great rewards, not only personal insight and understanding but also a way of working that is thoughtful and professional.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, serif;"><br /></span></div>Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01662764390340184448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075941436340368942.post-86963428636361572842010-03-30T07:05:00.000-07:002010-03-31T01:55:49.344-07:00Language at work- the habitual apologiser!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgw9nV9w_jd0WaHtn2nQOY1a-8amMDXogNOpMtO0q7L02LZXcjAbgcmBXieVJbfMtlIC6pHCRRkpglthVYDPjXTVs4N_ZyAJ_sy1P32y6yzhhTypKzQykuxHGBfo6I2yEgNK_ld5uOQuJ8/s1600/istock_generic_77281.gif"><br /></a><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 90px; height: 70px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDQEVnfnfzguUPDrGwsJC_7vkGk-RogwyBRTRMxBW1wuKONCIzaGrwITKGOrucRWObgG0YvzKHztvWqfdD8tOqBu7kzc0hgR_2FC_C5Hog9CjHXAOqTEMhLS-oiC4cdkAr3SKra39NWA0/s400/istock_generic_77281.gif" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5454519064050666738" /><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:arial, serif;">Have you noticed that some women apologise for everything almost compulsively? </span></div><div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:arial, serif;">Some women just say 'sorry' a lot and often it is done subconsciously, without awareness and for some it's habitual. Sometimes it's seen as politeness by the user for example "sorry it's now time to move on", "sorry I did mean to get back to you". It can also be used as a sign of respect to a colleague or senior worker.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, serif;">Men do not use apologies in the same way and very rarely to the same extent, in fact I've never heard a man habitually apologise at work or socially. In a work environment men who hear women apologise alot often see it as a weakness or defensiveness or even worse conforming to some extreme female stereotype.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, serif;"><br /></span></div><div></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, serif;">Listen carefully to others, men and women for their use of apologies and then listen out for your own - do you use them more than is necessary? By this I mean do you use it without the real intention of an apology so it's used as a filler in the sentence or an opener for example "Oh sorry Simon, really sorry about not making your meeting, I was so busy I'll be there next time yep so .. er ... sorry", far too many apologies!</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, serif;">What is the real underlying reason for this, where's the tension?</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, serif;">Take a mental note and reduce it if you are in a career where personal impact matters and especially if you are in management. How does a manager who uses apologies far too frequently come across? </span></div><div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, serif;"><br /></span></div><div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, serif;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, serif;"><br /></span></div></div></div></div>Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01662764390340184448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075941436340368942.post-653427903292101622010-02-10T11:54:00.000-08:002010-02-10T12:46:34.644-08:00What's a well formed outcome and do I need one?<div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">In coaching we often talk about having a well formed outcome and how every goal should have one!</div><div style="text-align: justify;">When I talk about outcomes I mean the results or consequences of achieving the goal. I always work on the premise that goals and outcomes will be crystal clear, visualised, discussed and easily brought to mind. </div><div style="text-align: justify;">So for example Sarah wants to be a manager within two years, so her goal is to be manager and the objective of her goal is promotion. </div><div style="text-align: justify;">She goes for it, puts in the hours, seen talking to the right people, produces excellent work and bob's your uncle, she gets promoted!</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">But her marriage has ended and her kids spend more time with their Father because of the hours she's doing. She constantly feels guilty and feels she missed out on two years of their growing up and resents the time they spend with Dad.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">By talking to her coach she would have been invited to explore the impact and conditions in achieving such a goal, this would give her an all round view. She would also be invited to look at the benefits and rewards of achieving her goal so ultimately she can make a well informed decision and plan accordingly.</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;">And of course you don't need to bother with all this, but as these few lines from Alice in Wonderland cleverly illustrate you can end up anywhere or nowhere ...</div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i>"...Alice went on ... would you tell me please, which way I ought to go from here? </i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i>That depends where you want to get to, said the cat. I don't much care where, said Alice. Then it doesn't matter which way you go, said the cat. So long as I get somewhere Alice added as an explanation. </i></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><i>Oh your sure to do that, said the cat, if you walk long enough."</i></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01662764390340184448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075941436340368942.post-2086846136575566122010-01-02T09:04:00.000-08:002010-01-03T02:16:17.321-08:00A few clues to the body language of rapport ...<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">We all love meeting someone we just click with!</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">When we have that feeling we are in rapport, researchers (Boston University Medical School and many others) have filmed people in ‘rapport’ i.e. getting on really well with one another. They noticed that people in rapport unconsciously started to co – ordinate their body movements from hand gestures right down to blinking. </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">Next time you're out socialising take a second just to observe who's talking to who and their body language. Then note yourself talking to different people, people you know very well and those you've just met. Notice your body movements and eye contact, what feels comfortable and what is the other person doing?</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">We can encourage rapport or rather build rapport with another person consciously once we know how and have practiced. </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">So once you've observed others and yourself out and about you will notice people in rapport will have very similar: - </p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-indent:-18.0pt;line-height:150%; mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1"></p><ul><li style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-bidi-line-height:150%;font-family:Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-mso-ansi-language: EN-USfont-family:Symbol;"><span><span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> Body</span></span></span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> language - body position, head tilt, leg movements or lack of.</span></span></li><li style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-bidi-line-height:150%;font-family:Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-mso-ansi-language: EN-USfont-family:Symbol;"><span><span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;"> </span></span></span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:Times;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Voice qualities – tone, rhythm and pace (the speed of which certain words are said and then whole sentences).</span></span></li><li style="text-align: justify;">Blink rate</li><li style="text-align: justify;">Facial expressions</li><li style="text-align: justify;">Breathing patterns</li></ul><p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">They are mirroring each other whilst in flow; this is worth observing and playing with for example mirroring then not - break rapport by introducing different body language for example crossing legs and arms, what happens? </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">Be warned this will lead to your 'partner' feeling uncomfortable and they may well move on or change the subject or just look for away of getting away from you!</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">Be very careful mirroring is <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal">not</i> mimicry, be respectful as if it is not done well it will leave the other person feeling odd and uncomfortable. Done very well building rapport leads to a feeling of trust and empathy quickly. Good luck!</p> <!--EndFragment-->Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01662764390340184448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075941436340368942.post-71149821224807954482009-12-04T03:40:00.000-08:002009-12-04T04:59:12.733-08:00What's stopping you, the truth about those mental blocks!<div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, fantasy;">We all get mental blocks, the loss of drive, motivation but once you understand what's underlying it you can deal with it however you want - you have choices, how good it that!</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, fantasy;">No matter if you consciously set goals or not, may be you say to yourself "I'll look for a new job in the new year" or "I'm going to take three months off " you will be looking forward in some way. A lot of my work is really clarifying and making the goal tangible, is it what you really want?</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, fantasy;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;">Then there are the <i>Big Hairy Audacious goals</i> that really stretch us. Such goals aren't set routinely and a lot of people don't think that far ahead or that big, they are good to really get us thinking and get us going for what we really want - the big one if you dare!</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, fantasy;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;">So what happens when all the initial enthusiasm and energy drops and doubts start setting in. This is a common and universal to all becoming stuck, de - motivated or just plain lost. It's these 'mental blocks' that cause everything to grind to a halt. Now this 'stuckness' can take the form of : -</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;">1. <b>Procasternation</b>: - Putting it off, those thought patterns that say "oh I don't have to do it now, I'll be more enthusiastic after the summer, oh it can wait, I'm OK anyway what's the rush" ... you know the kind of thing!</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre; "> </span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre; "></span>2. <b>Rationalisation</b>: - The analysing and the rational brain concludes " ... actually I don't need to exercise more really because I'm on my feet all day" or "I'm ok my Grandmother lived until she was ninety AND she smoked all her life". You rationalise and think it through to the conclusion that suits your limiting belief and that of course keeps you in your comfort zone and keeps the status quo.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;">3. <b>Resistance</b>: - Simple refusal, often you get so close to getting where you want to be and then you think "forget it, this is totally exhausting I'm not doing anymore" and you walk out or sack your personal trainer, life coach, tutor, mentor or business partner. It's a child like response that has served you well in the past however there are times when you sabotage your own success with such reactions.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;">Underneath and at the centre of these three behaviours is fear!</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">fear of success</span></b><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre; "><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> </span></b></span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> </span></b><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre; "><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> </span></b></span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre; "><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> f</span></b></span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">ear of failure</span></b><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre; "><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> </span></b></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre; "><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">f</span></b></span><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">ear of the unknown</span></b></span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;">The fear is feeding limiting beliefs, beliefs about ourselves that we hold as true - the way you see yourself. They are the biggest single block to fulfilling your potential!</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;">They can be thoughts of not quite measuring up and are ways of seeing ourselves that are rigid. Often you can hear the inside voice that is your biggest critic for example when things don't quite turn out as expected "I should have known, why am I so stupid".</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;">The statements we make about ourselves can be limiting for example "I'm not adventurous" or "I don't do parties'. Those throw away comments or sweeping statements about ourselves really do say everything.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;">These limiting beliefs are myths but feel very real as it's a view of yourself you've grown up with, however they can change and do change, it is possible.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, fantasy;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;">Once aware of your limiting beliefs and that they are a stumbling block you can do something about it. Start with the possibility that they are not necessarily true and what if the opposite where true of you?</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, fantasy;">So saying "oh it's just the way I am" just doesn't hold any sway, yes change can be uncomfortable but you'll be working towards the reward what you want. If it's a pattern in your life what's going to be different next time? </span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, fantasy;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial, -webkit-fantasy;"><br /></span></div>Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01662764390340184448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075941436340368942.post-33063213635303271442009-11-08T13:05:00.000-08:002009-11-08T13:17:15.771-08:00Tips for dealing with angry and upset people<!--StartFragment--> <div style="mso-element:para-border-div;border:none;border-top:solid windowtext 1.0pt; mso-border-top-alt:solid windowtext .5pt;padding:1.0pt 0cm 0cm 0cm"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="border:none;mso-border-top-alt:solid windowtext .5pt; padding:0cm;mso-padding-alt:1.0pt 0cm 0cm 0cm"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:6;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:19px;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-bottom-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-width: initial; border- padding-top: 0cm; padding-right: 0cm; padding-bottom: 0cm; padding-left: 0cm; color:initial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-size:19px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;">DO ... <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span> </span> </span><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span> <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span> </span><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> <span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"> </span> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-large;"> DON’T ...</span></span></p> </div> <table class="MsoNormalTable" border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" style="border-collapse:collapse;border:none;mso-border-alt:solid black .5pt; mso-yfti-tbllook:191;mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt;mso-border-insideh: .5pt solid black;mso-border-insidev:.5pt solid black"> <tbody><tr style="mso-yfti-irow:0;mso-yfti-firstrow:yes"> <td width="231" valign="top" style="width:230.85pt;border:solid black 1.0pt; mso-border-alt:solid black .5pt;padding:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";">Use the magic phrase “I can see/hear that you are upset”<o:p></o:p></span></p> </td> <td width="231" valign="top" style="width:230.9pt;border:solid black 1.0pt; border-left:none;mso-border-left-alt:solid black .5pt;mso-border-alt:solid black .5pt; padding:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";">Don’t ever tell anyone to “calm down!’<o:p></o:p></span></p> </td> </tr> <tr style="mso-yfti-irow:1"> <td width="231" valign="top" style="width:230.85pt;border:solid black 1.0pt; border-top:none;mso-border-top-alt:solid black .5pt;mso-border-alt:solid black .5pt; padding:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";">You can respect people’s feelings, values and beliefs by acknowledging them.<o:p></o:p></span></p> </td> <td width="231" valign="top" style="width:230.9pt;border-top:none;border-left: none;border-bottom:solid black 1.0pt;border-right:solid black 1.0pt; mso-border-top-alt:solid black .5pt;mso-border-left-alt:solid black .5pt; mso-border-alt:solid black .5pt;padding:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";">You do not need to approve or of them or agree with them.<o:p></o:p></span></p> </td> </tr> <tr style="mso-yfti-irow:2"> <td width="231" valign="top" style="width:230.85pt;border:solid black 1.0pt; border-top:none;mso-border-top-alt:solid black .5pt;mso-border-alt:solid black .5pt; padding:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";">Speak the speaker’s language – key words and phrases.<o:p></o:p></span></p> </td> <td width="231" valign="top" style="width:230.9pt;border-top:none;border-left: none;border-bottom:solid black 1.0pt;border-right:solid black 1.0pt; mso-border-top-alt:solid black .5pt;mso-border-left-alt:solid black .5pt; mso-border-alt:solid black .5pt;padding:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";">Don’t use the broken record technique.<o:p></o:p></span></p> </td> </tr> <tr style="mso-yfti-irow:3"> <td width="231" valign="top" style="width:230.85pt;border:solid black 1.0pt; border-top:none;mso-border-top-alt:solid black .5pt;mso-border-alt:solid black .5pt; padding:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";">Reflect feelings and facts.<o:p></o:p></span></p> </td> <td width="231" valign="top" style="width:230.9pt;border-top:none;border-left: none;border-bottom:solid black 1.0pt;border-right:solid black 1.0pt; mso-border-top-alt:solid black .5pt;mso-border-left-alt:solid black .5pt; mso-border-alt:solid black .5pt;padding:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";">Don’t rationalise with someone irrational – it doesn’t work!<o:p></o:p></span></p> </td> </tr> <tr style="mso-yfti-irow:4"> <td width="231" valign="top" style="width:230.85pt;border:solid black 1.0pt; border-top:none;mso-border-top-alt:solid black .5pt;mso-border-alt:solid black .5pt; padding:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";">Clarify and paraphrase positively.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> </td> <td width="231" valign="top" style="width:230.9pt;border-top:none;border-left: none;border-bottom:solid black 1.0pt;border-right:solid black 1.0pt; mso-border-top-alt:solid black .5pt;mso-border-left-alt:solid black .5pt; mso-border-alt:solid black .5pt;padding:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";">Don’t be intent on getting them to do something specific – it will be perceived as controlling.<o:p></o:p></span></p> </td> </tr> <tr style="mso-yfti-irow:5"> <td width="231" valign="top" style="width:230.85pt;border:solid black 1.0pt; border-top:none;mso-border-top-alt:solid black .5pt;mso-border-alt:solid black .5pt; padding:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";">Ask open questions.<o:p></o:p></span></p> </td> <td width="231" valign="top" style="width:230.9pt;border-top:none;border-left: none;border-bottom:solid black 1.0pt;border-right:solid black 1.0pt; mso-border-top-alt:solid black .5pt;mso-border-left-alt:solid black .5pt; mso-border-alt:solid black .5pt;padding:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";">Avoid closed questions.<o:p></o:p></span></p> </td> </tr> <tr style="mso-yfti-irow:6"> <td width="231" valign="top" style="width:230.85pt;border:solid black 1.0pt; border-top:none;mso-border-top-alt:solid black .5pt;mso-border-alt:solid black .5pt; padding:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";">Use questioning to influence state<o:p></o:p></span></p> </td> <td width="231" valign="top" style="width:230.9pt;border-top:none;border-left: none;border-bottom:solid black 1.0pt;border-right:solid black 1.0pt; mso-border-top-alt:solid black .5pt;mso-border-left-alt:solid black .5pt; mso-border-alt:solid black .5pt;padding:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";">Don’t be defensive.<o:p></o:p></span></p> </td> </tr> <tr style="mso-yfti-irow:7;mso-yfti-lastrow:yes"> <td width="231" valign="top" style="width:230.85pt;border:solid black 1.0pt; border-top:none;mso-border-top-alt:solid black .5pt;mso-border-alt:solid black .5pt; padding:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";">Give people choices<o:p></o:p></span></p> </td> <td width="231" valign="top" style="width:230.9pt;border-top:none;border-left: none;border-bottom:solid black 1.0pt;border-right:solid black 1.0pt; mso-border-top-alt:solid black .5pt;mso-border-left-alt:solid black .5pt; mso-border-alt:solid black .5pt;padding:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0cm;margin-bottom:.0001pt"><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Cambria;mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-Times New Roman";mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidifont-family:";">Don’t threaten.<o:p></o:p></span></p> </td> </tr> </tbody></table> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="text-align: justify;text-indent: -18pt; "><span style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-font-family:Symbol;"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">·<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span>The tone of a statement can completely change depending on which words the speaker emphasises for example a sentence can sound soothing or defensive depending on where the emphasis is put.</p> <p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpLast" style="text-align: justify;text-indent: -18pt; "><span style="font-family:Symbol;mso-fareast-font-family:Symbol;mso-bidi-font-family:Symbol;"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">·<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span>Try out phrases putting the emphasis on different words to decide where the emphasis needs to be for calming the situation.</p> <!--EndFragment-->Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01662764390340184448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075941436340368942.post-77268001496669260202009-10-01T13:58:00.000-07:002009-10-01T14:19:22.675-07:00Life coaching is also about ...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDUFLzCc7p5E4ztdmnNK5x0jdKf2TC1OK1FPL-oVZipxq_jCe5A1t56JbBca7wTmv49wgBbKih6Kxi3_zt0oOODBpiw6FUZr3bTd74AHEs7EuaDLLTnxWQrGJZZRT-7A_lrSy7abOpG1A/s1600-h/iStock_000005991593Medium.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 133px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDUFLzCc7p5E4ztdmnNK5x0jdKf2TC1OK1FPL-oVZipxq_jCe5A1t56JbBca7wTmv49wgBbKih6Kxi3_zt0oOODBpiw6FUZr3bTd74AHEs7EuaDLLTnxWQrGJZZRT-7A_lrSy7abOpG1A/s200/iStock_000005991593Medium.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387742604995460194" /></a><br /><!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:ArialMT, serif;color:#828282;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:ArialMT, serif;color:#828282;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#828282;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Today I once again met a lovely woman in Cambridge who made the assumption that coaching is about having goals - </span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">“ahh don’t you have to be focused and have a goal in mind?” or “oh isn’t that all about getting to your goal”, well a lot of my clients do want to make changes in their busy lives by setting or creating new goals.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#828282;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">However I also have clients who –</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -18pt; "><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#828282;"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">1.</span><span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> </span></span></span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#828282;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Don’t have any goals in mind</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -18pt; "><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#828282;"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">2.</span><span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> </span></span></span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#828282;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Have had enough of working towards goals</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -18pt; "><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#828282;"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">3.</span><span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> </span></span></span></span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#828282;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Really don’t want to anything to do with goals</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#828282;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">So Life Coaching for me is not just about goals, focus and achievements. A very important part of what I do is giving people time to work out how they got to here and how we move on to where they want to be and sometimes it's just about understanding behaviour and patterns.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#828282;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">For example one client I shall call Jane contacted me and we met for two hours every month for six months. She was based in the South East and after University had taken the best job offered that was many years ago, in the mean time she had experienced two bereavements, three promotions, a company car</span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">– she was doing very well. So what did she want with coach?</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#828282;"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Well she wanted to be looking towards the next three and final years of her career, she was going through a period of transition to early retirement or rather a new and very different life.</span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#828282;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">In her feedback she wrote that the coaching was “ purely time for me to redefine what my career and life was about </span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">… “</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#828282;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">We did not talk about her career performance, goals or plans. She used the space literally for time to think out loud. It is my view that she used the time to really take another perspective and assimilate the bereavements, how fast her career had moved and many more events that had not been given any attention over the last twenty years but she felt were significant.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#828282;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">We all experience deep and moving times without any chance to really think about the impact of what’s happened to ourselves and our loved ones. We can be very hard and judgmental on ourselves at such times. </span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:ArialMT;color:#828282;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Having a coach is like having a confidante, a sounding board, a collaborative partner to support you through life’s changes. I used Jane to highlight the wide spectrum of clients I work with and to show that it’s not all about goals sometimes it’s just about having the space and time to be and in turn gaining an understanding oneself.</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01662764390340184448noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075941436340368942.post-76772156732270234682009-06-08T05:37:00.000-07:002009-06-08T06:46:36.625-07:00Networking for Virgins … or speaking from experience the joys of networking!<p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">What follows is a mixture of training notes, feedback, and personal experience of networking in all kinds of contexts plus thoughts from my wonderful clients who now enjoy networking. So I hope this gives you some new found motivation and enthusiasm for the joys of networking. </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">I often hear that networking holds all kind of fears mainly it’s the ‘lack confidence’ and the idea of selling especially if you are the product for example web designer, P.A, S.E.O, Coach etc. </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">I want to start by saying I hate being sold to! Everyone does, especially women we can smell a salesperson a mile off and then most people know when they’re being sold to even if they can’t tell you why they ‘just know’. We all have that ‘neediness detector’ we can sense when someone is not telling us something because they have our best interests at heart but because they need to make a sale. So this is a good starting point we don’t like it especially within networking so you don’t do it, easy really.</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Networking is about building relationships, so it means being consistent (yes turning up when it’s dark outside and freezing rain is lashing down) and being genuinely interested in other people. It can take time as you get to know the group and their businesses and remember each member has their own network of contacts outside of the group, just like you. </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Once you start thinking about your own contacts and how many people you regularly are in touch with and then those less regularly you’ll see why networking is so important. You want business and once people get to know you and build up trust they will start to tell others about you. Of course the like most things in life the more you give the more you’ll start receive, so remember: - </span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: center; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">“People buy people”</span></span></b></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Once you start letting go of your own fears for example “I’ll freeze, I don’t know what to say” and start to focus on others you’ll come across far more relaxed. However do be very clear about what you’re offering and how it can benefits others and once this is ingrained in you, you’ll come across as authentic and attractive to others. I have learnt a lot by meeting some inspirational women networking and just watching them and how they come across.</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Do remember to take five minutes for mental check or set your intentions before each meeting, ask yourself: - </span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify; font: 12.0px Helvetica"></p><ul><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">What do I want out of this meeting?<br /></span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">What is the minimum I’m happy to come away with?<br /></span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Who do I want to speak to today and why?<br /></span></li></ul><p></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">This helps clarify why you’re there and what’s important to you at that that meeting otherwise you can get distracted with chatting to lovely people and come away two hours later with lots of cards and nothing else. All networking is a risk to begin with as it’s your precious time and it can be up to two hours for some meetings this is why it’s important to view it like a long-term relationship. Go as a guest and see how many small to larger companies are involved – what are you looking for? Once you commit do so with integrity and enthusiasm.</span></p> <p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">So here are my 7 points to successful networking: - </span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">1. Be curious! Ask open questions about their business not only will you learn but you'll get to know the person alot better. Remember open questions elicit descriptive and full answers you may not want this sometimes.</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">2. Turn up! It's the only way to get the most out of it, this shows you're committed and consistent. Also always follow up and do what you said you would do.</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">3. Carry your cards everywhere. Networking doesn't stop as soon as you leave the building it happens informally all the time.</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">4. Remember to make that mental check and set your intentions for each meeting.</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">5. Stay in touch with the people that interest you, this means following through with anything you said you would do.</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">6. Do look for opportunities to refer and connect people, it will be reciprocated.</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">7. Enjoy it! Offer to help and get involved. The business will come once you decide to become more visible.</span></p><p style="margin: 0.0px 0.0px 10.0px 0.0px; text-align: justify; font: 12.0px Helvetica"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> </span></span></p>Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01662764390340184448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075941436340368942.post-36223165558748223702009-05-21T14:05:00.000-07:002009-06-04T12:58:08.395-07:00The Joy of Speed Coaching<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal" align="center" style="text-align:center"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">The Joy of Speed Coaching </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; "> </span></b></p> <p class="MsoNormal"></p><blockquote></blockquote><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"><div style="text-align: justify;">It’s true speed coaching did start off as a bit of fun however it has turned into a serous affair of learning and more learning and that’s just for me, the coach!<br /></div><o:p></o:p></b><p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">When our client asked us to deliver taster sessions for their Learning and Development week ‘of course’ we replied enthusiastically, we did not expect ‘taster’ to mean fifteen-minute lunchtime slots. It seemed everyone in the company wanted to give it a try, so the only way was to offer a speeded up meeting of minutes instead of hours.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I went in with a couple of ideas and even a template of how to use this precious time even though I know that a large part of coaching is working with unexpected, it really can be staying with the not knowing. However I thought this would be different as it turns out it wasn’t.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">We felt we were manoeuvred into a position of thinking and acting much faster, using tools and techniques that intuitively flashed into the mind we acted upon, instead of holding back and checking the motivation, the commitment etc.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">We started to get into the swing of it very quickly and the learning is as follows: - </p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -18pt; "><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Helvetica;mso-bidi-font-family:Helvetica;"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">1.<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span>Manage expectations and set the scene right at the beginning as soon as the client walks in.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -18pt; "><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Helvetica;mso-bidi-font-family:Helvetica;"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">2.<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span>Build rapport in a couple of minutes.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -18pt; "><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Helvetica;mso-bidi-font-family:Helvetica;"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">3.<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span>If you’re an experienced coach and getting supervision then go with your intuition. Intuition is layers of experience fast tracked. Best practice would be to talk through these thoughts, actions and reflect on your learning in supervision.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;margin-left: 36pt; text-indent: -18pt; "><span style="mso-fareast-font-family:Helvetica;mso-bidi-font-family:Helvetica;"><span style="mso-list:Ignore">4.<span style="font:7.0pt "Times New Roman""> </span></span></span>Remember wrap up is very important, just as important as the first couple of minutes. Invite feedback, gauge their interest and of course what’s their next step? Ensure they leave feeling curious and good preferably up – lifted and wanting to know more. I gave my card and invited them to get back to me with any queries or comments etc.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I loved it and more importantly the clients went away smiling and the evaluations showed they wanted more. We would do it again and the more I do it the more questions it raises for me, so please let me know if you try it.</p> <!--EndFragment-->Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01662764390340184448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075941436340368942.post-82316926537428486572009-03-13T04:21:00.000-07:002009-03-13T08:07:06.168-07:00Are you a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to your sport?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQYtwPcsYF2UKZdknV5IF43jeBCLx3MBieLO0srcOyfZZnzOVsZM2tyquKlKEEYqe30E29KyqYS0FCqVVBIJQ7eJzNB6j8eIASdua2NOiBxjQBDl3yp_IWuTwVGRmFhyMIR77cRKBVZms/s1600-h/iStock_000004471393Medium.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQYtwPcsYF2UKZdknV5IF43jeBCLx3MBieLO0srcOyfZZnzOVsZM2tyquKlKEEYqe30E29KyqYS0FCqVVBIJQ7eJzNB6j8eIASdua2NOiBxjQBDl3yp_IWuTwVGRmFhyMIR77cRKBVZms/s320/iStock_000004471393Medium.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312641356383848626" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:arial;">When it's not going well does your confidence and self esteem go too, affecting other areas of your life?</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Do you train even though you had a bad night sleep, you feel exhausted, your muscles are sore and to be honest you know your not eating properly?</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">May be you punish yourself in some way, physical or psychological?<br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">So think about it, do you equate your self worth with your performance this is very common. Let me explain ...<br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:arial;">What I mean by self worth and self esteem is - who you think you are or how you see your self. This is different from self - confidence because you can have confidence in your ability to perform and still have very low self esteem or the opposite. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:arial;">So when you take away the sport part of you, what do you see? </span><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">The ideal is high self esteem and self confidence in your abilities.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Some clients tell me that being really into your sport, whether your competing or not, is like taking on a role. When you cross the white line or put on the trainers you are into role but many will judge their performance and then take that as 'how they are' into other areas of their life, there is no separation. Imagine just for a moment giving up the judgements, you can understand your errors and learn from them but imagine being able to stop being the critic and judging yourself all the time. It is possible, I know I see it in my work.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Of course you are your biggest critic and often much harder on yourself that any team member or sports coach. Many limiting beliefs are accompanied by the inner chatter, the thoughts that cross your mind to remind you that 'it's not good enough', 'you always do that' etc.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">A lot of my work is about first raising </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">awareness regarding limiting </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">beliefs and the self fulfilling prophesy. Then changing beliefs or eliminating them and replacing them with positive and empowering beliefs. So as Tim Gallwey's lovely equation shows: - </span><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">P = Po - I</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Performance <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">equals</span> potential <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 255);">minus</span> interference</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">I work on the interference to diminish or eliminate it, so purely working on positive mind skills that anyone can learn and adopt because, as we know we are what we think.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">How about some kindness and going easy on yourself for a while? I wonder how that would feel.<br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div>Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01662764390340184448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075941436340368942.post-13673029684759706432009-01-16T13:12:00.000-08:002009-01-20T06:24:08.347-08:00Do you make this mistake?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAS1HJ53F0B4_v1P15lE-utlJRKev8f7jmPetl8G_CFIladhyphenhyphenb1teRB2AsW7y2zGyAsFiCkGKAVm8gGiplskpnMCaqXO1OQG1GDYfjKcV5EvFdJIOvVElyP50qaoMwG7j4slPtUs7Pc_E/s1600-h/images.jpeg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 130px; height: 86px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAS1HJ53F0B4_v1P15lE-utlJRKev8f7jmPetl8G_CFIladhyphenhyphenb1teRB2AsW7y2zGyAsFiCkGKAVm8gGiplskpnMCaqXO1OQG1GDYfjKcV5EvFdJIOvVElyP50qaoMwG7j4slPtUs7Pc_E/s320/images.jpeg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5293381516868999938" /></a><br /><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">How are you new year resolutions going? Some people don't bother making them anymore because they have failed to follow through so many times, so I hope this short piece will throw some light on making those changes.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">When you think about your resolutions do you use the following words: - <br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">I should, I have to, I must, I ought to ...</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">If you do I'm gently warning you that the chances of success are minimal, such words reveal the 'should' mindset, this focuses on what you think you 'ought/should/have' to do. This removes you from the real reasons, the motivating factors as to why you want to do it. It's as if someone else is saying it and so you feel removed from it and this causes a huge tension. Plus such statements are problem focused and add to the burden.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">These statements also rely on willpower which equals really hard work. If you're not super human and can't do it or keep to it you feel a failure, after all you're only human and temptation oh is so ... er tempting. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">So you feel a failure and the cycle of distress carries on and now you feel really bad.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">The good news is will power is not real, I promise you don't have to even think about it - really!</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Changing habits or behaviours can be a long and lonely road, doing something so important on your own is brave yes, but in many cases setting yourself up for failure. Often the goal is too high or unrealistic to achieve on your own. If you really are serious about changing a habit, addiction (smoking, drinking) or an ingrained behaviour you need to be asking yourself are you willing to : - </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">1. Make new friends</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">2. Change your lifestyle and sometimes that involves new friends.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">3. Get help</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Doing it on your own is a struggle and often those naughty thoughts will sabotage all your hard work for example "Oh why bother; I'll get a new job next year, the right job just hasn't come up and this is OK at least I've got one. I was silly hoping for something different anyway ..." </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">Ah the lost dream and dashed hopes, let me give you some pointers that will help: - </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">1. Think carefully about the changes you want to make and draw up a plan - I'm serious - on paper, in your diary, on the wall anywhere just a step by step plan that also includes a time line so you have dates and steps to your final goal. Then ... note the reward, REWARD yourself! Set treats along the way every 3 months for example. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">2. Follow through - make it last. Set checks and reviews along the way and be presice and very clear about your goal. often the goal isn't the end depending on how you word it, it can just the beginning so you'll need to think about how you sustain your changes.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">3. Get a coach! Someone who will hold you accountable, suggests strategies and celebrate when you get there. Having a coach will ensure you're not on your own and help you get a real clear picture of the change you want to make and how to get there. Remember if it hasn't worked before for you why is it different this time?</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;">If you're still on track - congratulations, keep it up and good-luck!</span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div>Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01662764390340184448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075941436340368942.post-63066196861306111232008-11-03T03:45:00.000-08:002009-04-12T02:27:37.652-07:00Successful Careers & The Credit Crunch<div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">It never ceases to amaze me the pressure many people (and their families) are under when it comes to their careers. I often meet ambitious and talented people who recount stories of not being listened to, consistently working over time, not being taken seriously and all whilst juggling the rest of their lives. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">I hear experiences of staff being promoted or given extra responsibilities and are expected to somehow absorb the skills and confidence to execute that role by just being at their desk. </span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">This is more relevant during a recession when a cost cutting exercise can be simply to promote people out of their depth so they 'sink or swim'. Also adding to their responsibilities under the guise of giving them a challenge is another favourite move. <br /></span></div><div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Sometimes it works - fantastic opportunity the employee is enjoying the challenge. However for others it's a muddle creating anxiety, sleepless nights and lots of reactionary decision making. Some areas of the job are done adequately, some ... well as someone once said "no one's noticed yet!" </span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">People in this position will try their very best and give it a certain amount of time whilst trying all their coping strategies. Others will resign or plan their exit and look for a coach who is totally external to their company - like me!</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">For many organisations there is a lack of time, care and attention to nurture people within their role. Promoting people out of their depth or even just adding responsibilities can backfire leaving staff feeling:-</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">1. Alienated, </span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">2. Reacting to everything and not being proactive.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">3. 'Waiting to get found out'.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">4. Stressed negatively which leaks out at home.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">5. Physically sick and or depressed.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">6. Fear of failure over rides eveything.</span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Managing yourself, your time and others is what employers often hope comes 'naturally', its the sink or swim attitude. Some say this is part of the process - the fittest survives mentality, ultra competitive, little time for reflection and no thinking space. No one wants to be seen as a failure and this kind of culture puts huge pressure upon employees. It also conforms to the 'successful' male stereotype that is embedded in 90% of business. Surely we all want a life where we ... </span></div><div><ul><li style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Find enjoyment in our work</span></li><li style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Enjoy our home life </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">away</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> from our work</span></li><li style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Feel we are making a contribution </span></li><li style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Be appreciated and feel valued at work</span></li><li style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Have a sense of purpose</span></li></ul></div><div style="text-align: justify; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">The wonderful part of my job is to help clients see their strengths and talents objectively and find a place for them. The bottom line is we are all at our most productive and creative when we have all the above plus an intrinsic interest in our work, we know it's not just about the money. So what's the one thing that would make a difference to your career? </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div></div>Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01662764390340184448noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7075941436340368942.post-59843792334781566082008-09-15T05:49:00.000-07:002008-09-24T13:54:43.055-07:00Competition nerves and anxiety.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij-n72vXCVctKl_Pto30lLnGqX0FoUGYNgOsBDK0VctMd-LVc-d66a2q_pNKTZwmWuvWdNBn1Rayv-BA7582YLAdK639HaIZAu0wmVsyKj9g0HIWqOmJjLYEonClktu0z4greyYRSQrsA/s1600-h/iStock_000000437531Medium.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEij-n72vXCVctKl_Pto30lLnGqX0FoUGYNgOsBDK0VctMd-LVc-d66a2q_pNKTZwmWuvWdNBn1Rayv-BA7582YLAdK639HaIZAu0wmVsyKj9g0HIWqOmJjLYEonClktu0z4greyYRSQrsA/s320/iStock_000000437531Medium.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5249690728264352546" /></a><br /><!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal">One area that comes up often when working with my clients is the concern about getting very nervous before or during competition.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I listen hard to this as the words my clients use are very important to me and the way they use them. I hear statements like - I get knots in my tummy, I just can't see ahead, I can't eat the day before, once I miss a goal it all goes down hill, I'm really scared of getting hurt.</p><p class="MsoNormal">There's lots more but you get the idea and may have such feelings, thoughts or sensations yourself. I will ask my client to recall a time when they were very confident, a time when they know/knew they are the ‘bees knees’ and they got the result they wanted. I love this because the change in their demeanour is huge and of course we all love talking about our successes even if it's in secret and it shows in the face, in the body and in the voice.<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Sometimes I invite them to recall a time when they were nervous and once again the change is very big, change in the voice, the body, the actual words. At this point after asking some very incisive questions to bring about self-awareness of the two very different states we discuss the effects of the two extremes on the body, heart, breathing, mind etc. <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">It’s very important to be self – aware not just mentally but physically – notice how your body changes how your face changes, your breathing, your shoulders and of course your thought processes.</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Then wouldn’t be amazing if you could choose between such states -<span style="mso-spacerun: yes"> </span>when you want? <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Recalling two very different experiences highlights that the <i>fear of losing</i><span style="font-style:normal"> is not such a good motivator as </span><i>the desire to achieve</i><span style="font-style:normal">, although at first glance they sound similar however if you think about the two opposite states mentally and physiologically they are totally different.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Imagine starting a game/race: - <o:p></o:p></p> <ol style="margin-top:0cm" start="1" type="1"> <li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1;tab-stops:list 36.0pt">Really anxious about being too slow or just cocking it up. Trying not to think about the last game and trying not to see Jane because you think she’s better than you. Getting worked up because you don't like the referee etc.<o:p></o:p></li> </ol> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:18.0pt">OR …<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left:18.0pt"> <o:p></o:p></p> <ol style="margin-top:0cm" start="2" type="1"> <li class="MsoNormal" style="mso-list:l0 level1 lfo1;tab-stops:list 36.0pt">Focused on the success, knowing anything is possible and you can see it and feel it already (through regular visualisation). Knowing what you want to get out of the race or game and knowing how it sits with your long term plans – clarity.<o:p></o:p></li> </ol> <p class="MsoNormal"> <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The most disappointing aspect of going into a game or race with an 'avoid failure' attitude is you’ll avoid challenges that may just give you those points or get you that faster time. The internal voice will go something like “I can’t do that not now, I’ll look really stupid if I miss, I mustn’t miss.” Your sub – conscious is really amazing at getting you what you want, that deepest driver to avoid failure is rooting for you. Plus this thought pattern brings muscular tension … “I must not ..” <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> <o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The exciting aspect of going into a game or race with a strong desire to achieve (to win) is you will find your self taking on those challenges, those risks because your more confident. This mind – set has an impact on your physiology - you’ll notice the difference. This amazing part is it can be learnt!<o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">I hope this helps and sheds some light on what I do and is it time for you to start choosing your state after all we are what we think?</p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ansi-language:EN-US;font-family:Verdana;">“If you’re afraid of losing, then you daren’t win”. Bjorn Borg</span><o:p></o:p></p> <!--EndFragment-->Mariahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01662764390340184448noreply@blogger.com2