Are you a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to your sport?

When it's not going well does your confidence and self esteem go too, affecting other areas of your life?

Do you train even though you had a bad night sleep, you feel exhausted, your muscles are sore and to be honest you know your not eating properly?

May be you punish yourself in some way, physical or psychological?

So think about it, do you equate your self worth with your performance this is very common. Let me explain ...

What I mean by self worth and self esteem is - who you think you are or how you see your self. This is different from self - confidence because you can have confidence in your ability to perform and still have very low self esteem or the opposite.  

So when you take away the sport part of you, what do you see? 

The ideal is high self esteem and self confidence in your abilities.

Some clients tell me that being really into your sport, whether your competing or not,  is like taking on a role. When you cross the white line or put on the trainers you are into role but many will judge their performance and then take that as 'how they are' into other areas of their life, there is no separation. Imagine just for a moment giving up the judgements, you can understand your errors and learn from them but imagine being able to stop being the critic and judging yourself all the time. It is possible, I know I see it in my work.

Of course you are your biggest critic and often much harder on yourself that any team member or sports coach. Many limiting beliefs are accompanied by the inner chatter, the thoughts that cross your mind to remind you that 'it's not good enough', 'you always do that' etc.

A lot of my work is about first raising awareness regarding limiting beliefs and the self fulfilling prophesy. Then changing beliefs or eliminating them and replacing them with positive and empowering beliefs. So as Tim Gallwey's lovely equation shows: - 

P = Po - I

Performance equals potential minus interference

I work on the interference to diminish or eliminate it, so purely working on positive mind skills that anyone can learn and adopt because, as we know we are what we think.

How about some kindness and going easy on yourself for a while? I wonder how that would feel.

Do you make this mistake?

How are you new year resolutions going? Some people don't bother making them anymore because they have failed to follow through so many times, so I hope this short piece will throw some light on making those changes.

When you think about your resolutions do you use the following words: - 

I should, I have to, I must, I ought to ...

If you do I'm gently warning you that the chances of success are minimal, such words reveal the 'should' mindset, this focuses on what you think you 'ought/should/have' to do. This removes you from the real reasons, the motivating factors as to why you want to do it. It's as if someone else is saying it and so you feel removed from it and this causes a huge tension. Plus such statements are problem focused and add to the burden.

These statements also rely on willpower which equals really hard work. If you're not super human and can't do it or keep to it you feel a failure, after all you're only human and temptation oh is so ... er tempting. 

So you feel a failure and the cycle of distress carries on and now you feel really bad.

The good news is will power is not real, I promise you don't have to even think about it - really!

Changing habits or behaviours can be a long and lonely road, doing something so important on your own is brave yes, but in many cases setting yourself up for failure. Often the goal is too high or unrealistic to achieve on your own. If you really are serious about changing a habit, addiction (smoking, drinking) or an ingrained behaviour you need to be asking yourself are you willing to : - 

1. Make new friends

2. Change your lifestyle and sometimes that involves new friends.

3. Get help

Doing it on your own is a struggle and often those naughty thoughts will sabotage all your hard work for example "Oh why bother; I'll get a new job next year, the right job just hasn't come up and this is OK at least I've got one. I was silly hoping for something different anyway ..." 

Ah the lost dream and dashed hopes, let me give you some pointers that will help: - 

1. Think carefully about the changes you want to make and draw up a plan - I'm serious - on paper, in your diary, on the wall anywhere just a step by step plan that also includes a time line so you have dates and steps to your final goal. Then ... note the reward, REWARD yourself! Set treats along the way every 3 months for example. 

2. Follow through - make it last. Set checks and reviews along the way and be presice and very clear about your goal. often the goal isn't the end depending on how you word it, it can just the beginning so you'll need to think about how you sustain your changes.

3. Get a coach! Someone who will hold you accountable, suggests strategies and celebrate when you get there. Having a coach will ensure you're not on your own and help you get a real clear picture of the change you want to make and how to get there. Remember if it hasn't worked before for you why is it different this time?

If you're still on track -  congratulations, keep it up and good-luck!

Successful Careers & The Credit Crunch

It never ceases to amaze me the pressure many people (and their families) are under when it comes to their careers. I often meet ambitious and talented people who recount stories of not being listened to, consistently working over time, not being taken seriously and all whilst juggling the rest of their lives. 

I hear experiences of staff being promoted or given extra responsibilities and are expected to somehow absorb the skills and confidence to execute that role by just being at their desk. 

This is more relevant during a recession when a cost cutting exercise can be simply to promote people out of their depth so they 'sink or swim'. Also adding to their responsibilities under the guise of giving them a challenge is another favourite move. 

Sometimes it works - fantastic opportunity the employee is enjoying the challenge. However for others it's a muddle creating anxiety, sleepless nights and lots of reactionary decision making. Some areas of the job are done adequately, some ... well as someone once said "no one's noticed yet!" 

People in this position will try their very best and give it a certain amount of time whilst trying all their coping strategies. Others will resign or plan their exit and look for a coach who is totally external to their company - like me!

For many organisations there is a lack of time, care and attention to nurture people within their role. Promoting people out of their depth or even just adding responsibilities can backfire leaving staff feeling:-

1.  Alienated, 

2. Reacting to everything and not being proactive.

3. 'Waiting to get found out'.

4. Stressed negatively which leaks out at home.

5. Physically sick and or depressed.

6. Fear of failure over rides eveything.

Managing yourself, your time and others is what employers often hope comes 'naturally', its the sink or swim attitude. Some say this is part of the process - the fittest survives mentality, ultra competitive, little time for reflection and no thinking space. No one wants to be seen as a failure and this kind of culture puts huge pressure upon employees. It also conforms to the 'successful' male stereotype that is embedded in 90% of business. Surely we all want a life where we ...  

• Find enjoyment in our work
• Enjoy our home life away from our work
• Feel we are making a contribution 
• Be appreciated and feel valued at work
• Have a sense of purpose

The wonderful part of my job is to help clients see their strengths and talents objectively and find a place for them. The bottom line is we are all at our most productive and creative when we have all the above plus an intrinsic interest in our work, we know it's not just about the money. So what's the one thing that would make a difference to your career? 

Competition nerves and anxiety.

One area that comes up often when working with my clients is the concern about getting very nervous before or during competition.

I listen hard to this as the words my clients use are very important to me and the way they use them. I hear statements like - I get knots in my tummy, I just can't see ahead, I can't eat the day before, once I miss a goal it all goes down hill, I'm really scared of getting hurt.

There's lots more but you get the idea and may have such feelings, thoughts or sensations yourself.  I will ask my client to recall a time when they were very confident, a time when they know/knew they are the ‘bees knees’ and they got the result they wanted. I love this because the change in their demeanour is huge and of course we all love talking about our successes even if it's in secret and it shows in the face, in the body and in the voice.

Sometimes I invite them to recall a time when they were nervous and once again the change is very big, change in the voice, the body, the actual words. At this point after asking some very incisive questions to bring about self-awareness of the two very different states we discuss the effects of the two extremes on the body, heart, breathing, mind etc.

It’s very important to be self – aware not just mentally but physically – notice how your body changes how your face changes, your breathing, your shoulders and of course your thought processes.

Then wouldn’t be amazing if you could choose between such states -  when you want? 

Recalling two very different experiences highlights that the fear of losing is not such a good motivator as the desire to achieve, although at first glance they sound similar however if you think about the two opposite states mentally and physiologically they are totally different.

 

Imagine starting a game/race: -

1. Really anxious about being too slow or just cocking it up. Trying not to think about the last game and trying not to see Jane because you think she’s better than you. Getting worked up because you don't like the referee etc.

OR …

 

2. Focused on the success, knowing anything is possible and you can see it and feel it already (through regular visualisation). Knowing what you want to get out of the race or game and knowing how it sits with your long term plans – clarity.

 

The most disappointing aspect of going into a game or race with an 'avoid failure' attitude is you’ll avoid challenges that may just give you those points or get you that faster time. The internal voice will go something like “I can’t do that not now, I’ll look really stupid if I miss, I mustn’t miss.” Your sub – conscious is really amazing at getting you what you want, that deepest driver to avoid failure is rooting for you. Plus this thought pattern brings muscular tension … “I must not ..”

 

The exciting aspect of going into a game or race with a strong desire to achieve (to win) is you will find your self taking on those challenges, those risks because your more confident. This mind – set has an impact on your physiology - you’ll notice the difference. This amazing part is it can be learnt!

I hope this helps and sheds some light on what I do and is it time for you to start choosing your state after all we are what we think?

  

“If you’re afraid of losing, then you daren’t win”. Bjorn Borg