How coaching can make the difference - Carol's story

Carol works full time and has three children aged 12 to 17, she feels like a single/married woman as her husband travels a lot with his job. She finds her life very stressful saying "every minute is accounted for, it's like walking a tight rope".

Carol had difficulty in sleeping and initially came to me to find ways of reorganising her time so she could switch off, sleep better and manage home and career better. However after our initial discussion it became clear to both of us that at the root of her stress and anxiety was her fear of making decisions. A real fear that affected her work and home life.

The risk of making decisions without her husband or her manager was debilitating because she could be wrong. Now being very thorough Carol had an impressive list of all the wrong decisions she had made to prove to me that she always needed someone to oversee her or guide her.

The fear of making mistakes had resulted in a paralysis in her life not just her career, she also felt it physically in her body. She was very smart at avoiding or delaying situations where major decisions had to be made. Carol was stuck in a rut.

We agreed four coaching meetings of one hour, we would review how things were on our fourth and final meeting. Within the meetings we were able to reframe her mistakes as opportunities for learning and experience. So her mistakes were normalised as part of of her learning process at work and at home.

We also looked at where the fears came from which led to some real understanding of her self and her resulting behaviour. In small and deliberate steps she began to take risks and started to trust herself more and more and this built on her new found confidence.

Four meetings was just right for Carol when we met three months later her confidence and trust in herself had really grown. She was sleeping a lot better and she looked very different her body language had radically changed telling me here was a confident and relaxed woman. When asked about making decisions she put quite simply - "its part of the course of daily life not like the huge mountains I had climb before our meetings, that was an exhausting way to live".

Carol is not her real name and permission has been given to publish this scenario from the original client (11/09).

Life coaching is also about ...

Today I once again met a lovely woman in Cambridge who made the assumption that coaching is about having goals - “ahh don’t you have to be focused and have a goal in mind?” or “oh isn’t that all about getting to your goal”, well a lot of my clients do want to make changes in their busy lives by setting or creating new goals.

However I also have clients who –

1. Don’t have any goals in mind

2. Have had enough of working towards goals

3. Really don’t want to anything to do with goals

So Life Coaching for me is not just about goals, focus and achievements. A very important part of what I do is giving people time to work out how they got to here and how we move on to where they want to be and sometimes it's just about understanding behaviour and patterns.

For example one client I shall call Jane contacted me and we met for two hours every month for six months. She was based in the South East and after University had taken the best job offered that was many years ago, in the mean time she had experienced two bereavements, three promotions, a company car – she was doing very well. So what did she want with coach?

Well she wanted to be looking towards the next three and final years of her career, she was going through a period of transition to early retirement or rather a new and very different life.

In her feedback she wrote that the coaching was “ purely time for me to redefine what my career and life was about … “

We did not talk about her career performance, goals or plans. She used the space literally for time to think out loud. It is my view that she used the time to really take another perspective and assimilate the bereavements, how fast her career had moved and many more events that had not been given any attention over the last twenty years but she felt were significant.

We all experience deep and moving times without any chance to really think about the impact of what’s happened to ourselves and our loved ones. We can be very hard and judgmental on ourselves at such times.

Having a coach is like having a confidante, a sounding board, a collaborative partner to support you through life’s changes. I used Jane to highlight the wide spectrum of clients I work with and to show that it’s not all about goals sometimes it’s just about having the space and time to be and in turn gaining an understanding oneself.

Networking for Virgins … or speaking from experience the joys of networking!

What follows is a mixture of training notes, feedback, and personal experience of networking in all kinds of contexts plus thoughts from my wonderful clients who now enjoy networking. So I hope this gives you some new found motivation and enthusiasm for the joys of networking. 

I often hear that networking holds all kind of fears mainly it’s the ‘lack confidence’ and the idea of selling especially if you are the product for example web designer, P.A, S.E.O, Coach etc. 

I want to start by saying I hate being sold to! Everyone does, especially women we can smell a salesperson a mile off and then most people know when they’re being sold to even if they can’t tell you why they ‘just know’. We all have that ‘neediness detector’ we can sense when someone is not telling us something because they have our best interests at heart but because they need to make a sale. So this is a good starting point we don’t like it especially within networking so you don’t do it, easy really.

Networking is about building relationships, so it means being consistent (yes turning up when it’s dark outside and freezing rain is lashing down) and being genuinely interested in other people. It can take time as you get to know the group and their businesses and remember each member has their own network of contacts outside of the group, just like you. 

Once you start thinking about your own contacts and how many people you regularly are in touch with and then those less regularly you’ll see why networking is so important. You want business and once people get to know you and build up trust they will start to tell others about you. Of course the like most things in life the more you give the more you’ll start receive, so remember: - 

“People buy people”

Once you start letting go of your own fears for example “I’ll freeze, I don’t know what to say” and start to focus on others you’ll come across far more relaxed. However do be very clear about what you’re offering and how it can benefits others and once this is ingrained in you, you’ll come across as authentic and attractive to others. I have learnt a lot by meeting some inspirational women networking and just watching them and how they come across.

Do remember to take five minutes for mental check or set your intentions before each meeting, ask yourself: - 

• What do I want out of this meeting?
  
• What is the minimum I’m happy to come away with?
  
• Who do I want to speak to today and why?
  

This helps clarify why you’re there and what’s important to you at that that meeting otherwise you can get distracted with chatting to lovely people and come away two hours later with lots of cards and nothing else. All networking is a risk to begin with as it’s your precious time and it can be up to two hours for some meetings this is why it’s important to view it like a long-term relationship. Go as a guest and see how many small to larger companies are involved – what are you looking for? Once you commit do so with integrity and enthusiasm.

So here are my 7 points to successful networking: - 

1. Be curious! Ask open questions about their business not only will you learn but you'll get to know the person alot better. Remember open questions elicit descriptive and full answers you may not want this sometimes.

2. Turn up! It's the only way to get the most out of it, this shows you're committed and consistent. Also always follow up and do what you said you would do.

3. Carry your cards everywhere. Networking doesn't stop as soon as you leave the building it happens informally all the time.

4. Remember to make that mental check and set your intentions for each meeting.

5. Stay in touch with the people that interest you, this means following through with anything you said you would do.

6. Do look for opportunities to refer and connect people, it will be reciprocated.

7. Enjoy it! Offer to help and get involved. The business will come once you decide to become more visible.