Tips for dealing with angry and upset people

DO ... DON’T ...

Use the magic phrase “I can see/hear that you are upset”	Don’t ever tell anyone to “calm down!’
You can respect people’s feelings, values and beliefs by acknowledging them.	You do not need to approve or of them or agree with them.
Speak the speaker’s language – key words and phrases.	Don’t use the broken record technique.
Reflect feelings and facts.	Don’t rationalise with someone irrational – it doesn’t work!
Clarify and paraphrase positively.	Don’t be intent on getting them to do something specific – it will be perceived as controlling.
Ask open questions.	Avoid closed questions.
Use questioning to influence state	Don’t be defensive.
Give people choices	Don’t threaten.

· The tone of a statement can completely change depending on which words the speaker emphasises for example a sentence can sound soothing or defensive depending on where the emphasis is put.

· Try out phrases putting the emphasis on different words to decide where the emphasis needs to be for calming the situation.

Life coaching is also about ...

Today I once again met a lovely woman in Cambridge who made the assumption that coaching is about having goals - “ahh don’t you have to be focused and have a goal in mind?” or “oh isn’t that all about getting to your goal”, well a lot of my clients do want to make changes in their busy lives by setting or creating new goals.

However I also have clients who –

1. Don’t have any goals in mind

2. Have had enough of working towards goals

3. Really don’t want to anything to do with goals

So Life Coaching for me is not just about goals, focus and achievements. A very important part of what I do is giving people time to work out how they got to here and how we move on to where they want to be and sometimes it's just about understanding behaviour and patterns.

For example one client I shall call Jane contacted me and we met for two hours every month for six months. She was based in the South East and after University had taken the best job offered that was many years ago, in the mean time she had experienced two bereavements, three promotions, a company car – she was doing very well. So what did she want with coach?

Well she wanted to be looking towards the next three and final years of her career, she was going through a period of transition to early retirement or rather a new and very different life.

In her feedback she wrote that the coaching was “ purely time for me to redefine what my career and life was about … “

We did not talk about her career performance, goals or plans. She used the space literally for time to think out loud. It is my view that she used the time to really take another perspective and assimilate the bereavements, how fast her career had moved and many more events that had not been given any attention over the last twenty years but she felt were significant.

We all experience deep and moving times without any chance to really think about the impact of what’s happened to ourselves and our loved ones. We can be very hard and judgmental on ourselves at such times.

Having a coach is like having a confidante, a sounding board, a collaborative partner to support you through life’s changes. I used Jane to highlight the wide spectrum of clients I work with and to show that it’s not all about goals sometimes it’s just about having the space and time to be and in turn gaining an understanding oneself.

Networking for Virgins … or speaking from experience the joys of networking!

What follows is a mixture of training notes, feedback, and personal experience of networking in all kinds of contexts plus thoughts from my wonderful clients who now enjoy networking. So I hope this gives you some new found motivation and enthusiasm for the joys of networking. 

I often hear that networking holds all kind of fears mainly it’s the ‘lack confidence’ and the idea of selling especially if you are the product for example web designer, P.A, S.E.O, Coach etc. 

I want to start by saying I hate being sold to! Everyone does, especially women we can smell a salesperson a mile off and then most people know when they’re being sold to even if they can’t tell you why they ‘just know’. We all have that ‘neediness detector’ we can sense when someone is not telling us something because they have our best interests at heart but because they need to make a sale. So this is a good starting point we don’t like it especially within networking so you don’t do it, easy really.

Networking is about building relationships, so it means being consistent (yes turning up when it’s dark outside and freezing rain is lashing down) and being genuinely interested in other people. It can take time as you get to know the group and their businesses and remember each member has their own network of contacts outside of the group, just like you. 

Once you start thinking about your own contacts and how many people you regularly are in touch with and then those less regularly you’ll see why networking is so important. You want business and once people get to know you and build up trust they will start to tell others about you. Of course the like most things in life the more you give the more you’ll start receive, so remember: - 

“People buy people”

Once you start letting go of your own fears for example “I’ll freeze, I don’t know what to say” and start to focus on others you’ll come across far more relaxed. However do be very clear about what you’re offering and how it can benefits others and once this is ingrained in you, you’ll come across as authentic and attractive to others. I have learnt a lot by meeting some inspirational women networking and just watching them and how they come across.

Do remember to take five minutes for mental check or set your intentions before each meeting, ask yourself: - 

• What do I want out of this meeting?
  
• What is the minimum I’m happy to come away with?
  
• Who do I want to speak to today and why?
  

This helps clarify why you’re there and what’s important to you at that that meeting otherwise you can get distracted with chatting to lovely people and come away two hours later with lots of cards and nothing else. All networking is a risk to begin with as it’s your precious time and it can be up to two hours for some meetings this is why it’s important to view it like a long-term relationship. Go as a guest and see how many small to larger companies are involved – what are you looking for? Once you commit do so with integrity and enthusiasm.

So here are my 7 points to successful networking: - 

1. Be curious! Ask open questions about their business not only will you learn but you'll get to know the person alot better. Remember open questions elicit descriptive and full answers you may not want this sometimes.

2. Turn up! It's the only way to get the most out of it, this shows you're committed and consistent. Also always follow up and do what you said you would do.

3. Carry your cards everywhere. Networking doesn't stop as soon as you leave the building it happens informally all the time.

4. Remember to make that mental check and set your intentions for each meeting.

5. Stay in touch with the people that interest you, this means following through with anything you said you would do.

6. Do look for opportunities to refer and connect people, it will be reciprocated.

7. Enjoy it! Offer to help and get involved. The business will come once you decide to become more visible.

The Joy of Speed Coaching

The Joy of Speed Coaching  

It’s true speed coaching did start off as a bit of fun however it has turned into a serous affair of learning and more learning and that’s just for me, the coach!

When our client asked us to deliver taster sessions for their Learning and Development week ‘of course’ we replied enthusiastically, we did not expect ‘taster’ to mean fifteen-minute lunchtime slots. It seemed everyone in the company wanted to give it a try, so the only way was to offer a speeded up meeting of minutes instead of hours.

I went in with a couple of ideas and even a template of how to use this precious time even though I know that a large part of coaching is working with unexpected, it really can be staying with the not knowing. However I thought this would be different as it turns out it wasn’t.

We felt we were manoeuvred into a position of thinking and acting much faster, using tools and techniques that intuitively flashed into the mind we acted upon, instead of holding back and checking the motivation, the commitment etc.

We started to get into the swing of it very quickly and the learning is as follows: -

1.    Manage expectations and set the scene right at the beginning as soon as the client walks in.

2.    Build rapport in a couple of minutes.

3.    If you’re an experienced coach and getting supervision then go with your intuition. Intuition is layers of experience fast tracked. Best practice would be to talk through these thoughts, actions and reflect on your learning in supervision.

4.    Remember wrap up is very important, just as important as the first couple of minutes. Invite feedback, gauge their interest and of course what’s their next step? Ensure they leave feeling curious and good preferably up – lifted and wanting to know more. I gave my card and invited them to get back to me with any queries or comments etc.

I loved it and more importantly the clients went away smiling and the evaluations showed they wanted more. We would do it again and the more I do it the more questions it raises for me, so please let me know if you try it.

Are you a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to your sport?

When it's not going well does your confidence and self esteem go too, affecting other areas of your life?

Do you train even though you had a bad night sleep, you feel exhausted, your muscles are sore and to be honest you know your not eating properly?

May be you punish yourself in some way, physical or psychological?

So think about it, do you equate your self worth with your performance this is very common. Let me explain ...

What I mean by self worth and self esteem is - who you think you are or how you see your self. This is different from self - confidence because you can have confidence in your ability to perform and still have very low self esteem or the opposite.  

So when you take away the sport part of you, what do you see? 

The ideal is high self esteem and self confidence in your abilities.

Some clients tell me that being really into your sport, whether your competing or not,  is like taking on a role. When you cross the white line or put on the trainers you are into role but many will judge their performance and then take that as 'how they are' into other areas of their life, there is no separation. Imagine just for a moment giving up the judgements, you can understand your errors and learn from them but imagine being able to stop being the critic and judging yourself all the time. It is possible, I know I see it in my work.

Of course you are your biggest critic and often much harder on yourself that any team member or sports coach. Many limiting beliefs are accompanied by the inner chatter, the thoughts that cross your mind to remind you that 'it's not good enough', 'you always do that' etc.

A lot of my work is about first raising awareness regarding limiting beliefs and the self fulfilling prophesy. Then changing beliefs or eliminating them and replacing them with positive and empowering beliefs. So as Tim Gallwey's lovely equation shows: - 

P = Po - I

Performance equals potential minus interference

I work on the interference to diminish or eliminate it, so purely working on positive mind skills that anyone can learn and adopt because, as we know we are what we think.

How about some kindness and going easy on yourself for a while? I wonder how that would feel.

Do you make this mistake?

How are you new year resolutions going? Some people don't bother making them anymore because they have failed to follow through so many times, so I hope this short piece will throw some light on making those changes.

When you think about your resolutions do you use the following words: - 

I should, I have to, I must, I ought to ...

If you do I'm gently warning you that the chances of success are minimal, such words reveal the 'should' mindset, this focuses on what you think you 'ought/should/have' to do. This removes you from the real reasons, the motivating factors as to why you want to do it. It's as if someone else is saying it and so you feel removed from it and this causes a huge tension. Plus such statements are problem focused and add to the burden.

These statements also rely on willpower which equals really hard work. If you're not super human and can't do it or keep to it you feel a failure, after all you're only human and temptation oh is so ... er tempting. 

So you feel a failure and the cycle of distress carries on and now you feel really bad.

The good news is will power is not real, I promise you don't have to even think about it - really!

Changing habits or behaviours can be a long and lonely road, doing something so important on your own is brave yes, but in many cases setting yourself up for failure. Often the goal is too high or unrealistic to achieve on your own. If you really are serious about changing a habit, addiction (smoking, drinking) or an ingrained behaviour you need to be asking yourself are you willing to : - 

1. Make new friends

2. Change your lifestyle and sometimes that involves new friends.

3. Get help

Doing it on your own is a struggle and often those naughty thoughts will sabotage all your hard work for example "Oh why bother; I'll get a new job next year, the right job just hasn't come up and this is OK at least I've got one. I was silly hoping for something different anyway ..." 

Ah the lost dream and dashed hopes, let me give you some pointers that will help: - 

1. Think carefully about the changes you want to make and draw up a plan - I'm serious - on paper, in your diary, on the wall anywhere just a step by step plan that also includes a time line so you have dates and steps to your final goal. Then ... note the reward, REWARD yourself! Set treats along the way every 3 months for example. 

2. Follow through - make it last. Set checks and reviews along the way and be presice and very clear about your goal. often the goal isn't the end depending on how you word it, it can just the beginning so you'll need to think about how you sustain your changes.

3. Get a coach! Someone who will hold you accountable, suggests strategies and celebrate when you get there. Having a coach will ensure you're not on your own and help you get a real clear picture of the change you want to make and how to get there. Remember if it hasn't worked before for you why is it different this time?

If you're still on track -  congratulations, keep it up and good-luck!

Successful Careers & The Credit Crunch

It never ceases to amaze me the pressure many people (and their families) are under when it comes to their careers. I often meet ambitious and talented people who recount stories of not being listened to, consistently working over time, not being taken seriously and all whilst juggling the rest of their lives. 

I hear experiences of staff being promoted or given extra responsibilities and are expected to somehow absorb the skills and confidence to execute that role by just being at their desk. 

This is more relevant during a recession when a cost cutting exercise can be simply to promote people out of their depth so they 'sink or swim'. Also adding to their responsibilities under the guise of giving them a challenge is another favourite move. 

Sometimes it works - fantastic opportunity the employee is enjoying the challenge. However for others it's a muddle creating anxiety, sleepless nights and lots of reactionary decision making. Some areas of the job are done adequately, some ... well as someone once said "no one's noticed yet!" 

People in this position will try their very best and give it a certain amount of time whilst trying all their coping strategies. Others will resign or plan their exit and look for a coach who is totally external to their company - like me!

For many organisations there is a lack of time, care and attention to nurture people within their role. Promoting people out of their depth or even just adding responsibilities can backfire leaving staff feeling:-

1.  Alienated, 

2. Reacting to everything and not being proactive.

3. 'Waiting to get found out'.

4. Stressed negatively which leaks out at home.

5. Physically sick and or depressed.

6. Fear of failure over rides eveything.

Managing yourself, your time and others is what employers often hope comes 'naturally', its the sink or swim attitude. Some say this is part of the process - the fittest survives mentality, ultra competitive, little time for reflection and no thinking space. No one wants to be seen as a failure and this kind of culture puts huge pressure upon employees. It also conforms to the 'successful' male stereotype that is embedded in 90% of business. Surely we all want a life where we ...  

• Find enjoyment in our work
• Enjoy our home life away from our work
• Feel we are making a contribution 
• Be appreciated and feel valued at work
• Have a sense of purpose

The wonderful part of my job is to help clients see their strengths and talents objectively and find a place for them. The bottom line is we are all at our most productive and creative when we have all the above plus an intrinsic interest in our work, we know it's not just about the money. So what's the one thing that would make a difference to your career?