Starting a charity part time - crazy!

Starting a charity on a very part time basis is crazy especially when you're self - employed. This means you spend your time working or getting the work in and for me add in two growing boys, a long legged very fast dog, a small fluffy cat and one very supportive husband (thankfully) - there is no time and yet, somehow it's happening.

Sam and I have been working hard, after our initial funding and a very successful pilot project we are now tightening up our funding applications, our aims and produced a funding activity plan, oh yes we even have a strategy and business plan!

Starting a charity is just like starting your own business so in many respects this is familiar ground to us.

Sam created Illuminate eighteen months ago and I became involved with the training aspect and got hooked. So together we want to build a professional and dynamic service that offers a unique programme to people wanting to make fundamental change in their lives.

Currently Illuminate is just hovering on the registered charity border so any new income will catapult us into the new status of being registered. Coming from a self - employed business angle we see things a little differently, the question keeps arising why do most third sector organisations pay so poorly?

I'm very aware of the added value factor that is feeling good, giving back, sharing the charities values, that drives people to apply for the jobs. However having worked for some very good charities I'm aware that you can only take staff so far on this 'doing good, feeling good' line, if you really want to keep talent you will have to reward and we know rewards come in all sorts of packages and it is salary that is linked closely to feelings of personal success and status. There is a fluid workforce who see it as a stepping stone onto something else probably earning them more money, so staff turnover is something some charities have to factor in to their long term business strategy.

The exciting part is the energy generated for all involved with Illuminate, hearing the feedback, reading the evaluations and actually seeing the change in people is really inspiring. We know it's a winner and when the hard work of searching for the right funding really hits you need the commitment and time.

Time is key here and that's something like most of you I lack however it's amazing how you find the time when you believe in something. This really has reminded me about the magic of time management. When I really want something, I'm really clear, I can really see it, touch it, feel it - I find the time, it's magic! OK not magic ... but windows of opportunity appear and prioritising takes on a new look. The real magic is in the enthusiasm and the good will from all who are supporting us.

This is why I still have my coach, not just for supervision for my profession, but also for me - my thoughts, ideas and aspirations. And I do have some aspirations to realise, I still want to change the world!

Language at work- Canvassing ideas!

You've probably noticed that it is the women at work who will often ask for ideas, opinions and thoughts from others, more than the men. We like to hear what others think and some of us feel it's good to have others input but of course that does not mean we will actually put into action your ideas or opinions.

This type of behaviour is often done to build rapport or as a sign of respect and sometimes genuine curiosity, it is a female way of working but not exclusively. Some women are very aware that this is a signal of good team working or one of the foundations of building a team depending on the context and who could be observing.

When coaching one to one men tell me they can find this behaviour tiresome as some will interpret it as indecisiveness or being easily swayed, others can see it as great team working but not necessarily as good leadership.

We all know that being asked our ideas and opinions can be flattering and a good conversation opener but used too often this tactic will backfire and can even be seen as manipulative.

Being aware of your impact and behaviour within the team and the organisation as a whole can bring great rewards, not only personal insight and understanding but also a way of working that is thoughtful and professional.

Language at work- the habitual apologiser!

Have you noticed that some women apologise for everything almost compulsively?

Some women just say 'sorry' a lot and often it is done subconsciously, without awareness and for some it's habitual. Sometimes it's seen as politeness by the user for example "sorry it's now time to move on", "sorry I did mean to get back to you". It can also be used as a sign of respect to a colleague or senior worker.

Men do not use apologies in the same way and very rarely to the same extent, in fact I've never heard a man habitually apologise at work or socially. In a work environment men who hear women apologise alot often see it as a weakness or defensiveness or even worse conforming to some extreme female stereotype.

Listen carefully to others, men and women for their use of apologies and then listen out for your own - do you use them more than is necessary? By this I mean do you use it without the real intention of an apology so it's used as a filler in the sentence or an opener for example "Oh sorry Simon, really sorry about not making your meeting, I was so busy I'll be there next time yep so .. er ... sorry", far too many apologies!

What is the real underlying reason for this, where's the tension?

Take a mental note and reduce it if you are in a career where personal impact matters and especially if you are in management. How does a manager who uses apologies far too frequently come across?

What's a well formed outcome and do I need one?

In coaching we often talk about having a well formed outcome and how every goal should have one!

When I talk about outcomes I mean the results or consequences of achieving the goal. I always work on the premise that goals and outcomes will be crystal clear, visualised, discussed and easily brought to mind.

So for example Sarah wants to be a manager within two years, so her goal is to be manager and the objective of her goal is promotion.

She goes for it, puts in the hours, seen talking to the right people, produces excellent work and bob's your uncle, she gets promoted!

But her marriage has ended and her kids spend more time with their Father because of the hours she's doing. She constantly feels guilty and feels she missed out on two years of their growing up and resents the time they spend with Dad.

By talking to her coach she would have been invited to explore the impact and conditions in achieving such a goal, this would give her an all round view. She would also be invited to look at the benefits and rewards of achieving her goal so ultimately she can make a well informed decision and plan accordingly.

And of course you don't need to bother with all this, but as these few lines from Alice in Wonderland cleverly illustrate you can end up anywhere or nowhere ...

"...Alice went on ... would you tell me please, which way I ought to go from here?

That depends where you want to get to, said the cat. I don't much care where, said Alice. Then it doesn't matter which way you go, said the cat. So long as I get somewhere Alice added as an explanation.

Oh your sure to do that, said the cat, if you walk long enough."

A few clues to the body language of rapport ...

We all love meeting someone we just click with!

When we have that feeling we are in rapport, researchers (Boston University Medical School and many others) have filmed people in ‘rapport’ i.e. getting on really well with one another. They noticed that people in rapport unconsciously started to co – ordinate their body movements from hand gestures right down to blinking.

Next time you're out socialising take a second just to observe who's talking to who and their body language. Then note yourself talking to different people, people you know very well and those you've just met. Notice your body movements and eye contact, what feels comfortable and what is the other person doing?

We can encourage rapport or rather build rapport with another person consciously once we know how and have practiced.

So once you've observed others and yourself out and about you will notice people in rapport will have very similar: -

• Body language - body position, head tilt, leg movements or lack of.
• Voice qualities – tone, rhythm and pace (the speed of which certain words are said and then whole sentences).
• Blink rate
• Facial expressions
• Breathing patterns

They are mirroring each other whilst in flow; this is worth observing and playing with for example mirroring then not - break rapport by introducing different body language for example crossing legs and arms, what happens?

Be warned this will lead to your 'partner' feeling uncomfortable and they may well move on or change the subject or just look for away of getting away from you!

Be very careful mirroring is not mimicry, be respectful as if it is not done well it will leave the other person feeling odd and uncomfortable. Done very well building rapport leads to a feeling of trust and empathy quickly. Good luck!

What's stopping you, the truth about those mental blocks!

We all get mental blocks, the loss of drive, motivation but once you understand what's underlying it you can deal with it however you want - you have choices, how good it that!

No matter if you consciously set goals or not, may be you say to yourself "I'll look for a new job in the new year" or "I'm going to take three months off " you will be looking forward in some way. A lot of my work is really clarifying and making the goal tangible, is it what you really want?

Then there are the Big Hairy Audacious goals that really stretch us. Such goals aren't set routinely and a lot of people don't think that far ahead or that big, they are good to really get us thinking and get us going for what we really want - the big one if you dare!

So what happens when all the initial enthusiasm and energy drops and doubts start setting in. This is a common and universal to all becoming stuck, de - motivated or just plain lost. It's these 'mental blocks' that cause everything to grind to a halt. Now this 'stuckness' can take the form of : -

1. Procasternation: - Putting it off, those thought patterns that say "oh I don't have to do it now, I'll be more enthusiastic after the summer, oh it can wait, I'm OK anyway what's the rush" ... you know the kind of thing!

2. Rationalisation: - The analysing and the rational brain concludes " ... actually I don't need to exercise more really because I'm on my feet all day" or "I'm ok my Grandmother lived until she was ninety AND she smoked all her life". You rationalise and think it through to the conclusion that suits your limiting belief and that of course keeps you in your comfort zone and keeps the status quo.

3. Resistance: - Simple refusal, often you get so close to getting where you want to be and then you think "forget it, this is totally exhausting I'm not doing anymore" and you walk out or sack your personal trainer, life coach, tutor, mentor or business partner. It's a child like response that has served you well in the past however there are times when you sabotage your own success with such reactions.

Underneath and at the centre of these three behaviours is fear!

fear of success fear of failure

fear of the unknown

The fear is feeding limiting beliefs, beliefs about ourselves that we hold as true - the way you see yourself. They are the biggest single block to fulfilling your potential!

They can be thoughts of not quite measuring up and are ways of seeing ourselves that are rigid. Often you can hear the inside voice that is your biggest critic for example when things don't quite turn out as expected "I should have known, why am I so stupid".

The statements we make about ourselves can be limiting for example "I'm not adventurous" or "I don't do parties'. Those throw away comments or sweeping statements about ourselves really do say everything.

These limiting beliefs are myths but feel very real as it's a view of yourself you've grown up with, however they can change and do change, it is possible.

Once aware of your limiting beliefs and that they are a stumbling block you can do something about it. Start with the possibility that they are not necessarily true and what if the opposite where true of you?

So saying "oh it's just the way I am" just doesn't hold any sway, yes change can be uncomfortable but you'll be working towards the reward what you want. If it's a pattern in your life what's going to be different next time?

Tips for dealing with angry and upset people

DO ... DON’T ...

Use the magic phrase “I can see/hear that you are upset”	Don’t ever tell anyone to “calm down!’
You can respect people’s feelings, values and beliefs by acknowledging them.	You do not need to approve or of them or agree with them.
Speak the speaker’s language – key words and phrases.	Don’t use the broken record technique.
Reflect feelings and facts.	Don’t rationalise with someone irrational – it doesn’t work!
Clarify and paraphrase positively.	Don’t be intent on getting them to do something specific – it will be perceived as controlling.
Ask open questions.	Avoid closed questions.
Use questioning to influence state	Don’t be defensive.
Give people choices	Don’t threaten.

· The tone of a statement can completely change depending on which words the speaker emphasises for example a sentence can sound soothing or defensive depending on where the emphasis is put.

· Try out phrases putting the emphasis on different words to decide where the emphasis needs to be for calming the situation.