Language at work- the habitual apologiser!

Have you noticed that some women apologise for everything almost compulsively?

Some women just say 'sorry' a lot and often it is done subconsciously, without awareness and for some it's habitual. Sometimes it's seen as politeness by the user for example "sorry it's now time to move on", "sorry I did mean to get back to you". It can also be used as a sign of respect to a colleague or senior worker.

Men do not use apologies in the same way and very rarely to the same extent, in fact I've never heard a man habitually apologise at work or socially. In a work environment men who hear women apologise alot often see it as a weakness or defensiveness or even worse conforming to some extreme female stereotype.

Listen carefully to others, men and women for their use of apologies and then listen out for your own - do you use them more than is necessary? By this I mean do you use it without the real intention of an apology so it's used as a filler in the sentence or an opener for example "Oh sorry Simon, really sorry about not making your meeting, I was so busy I'll be there next time yep so .. er ... sorry", far too many apologies!

What is the real underlying reason for this, where's the tension?

Take a mental note and reduce it if you are in a career where personal impact matters and especially if you are in management. How does a manager who uses apologies far too frequently come across?

What's a well formed outcome and do I need one?

In coaching we often talk about having a well formed outcome and how every goal should have one!

When I talk about outcomes I mean the results or consequences of achieving the goal. I always work on the premise that goals and outcomes will be crystal clear, visualised, discussed and easily brought to mind.

So for example Sarah wants to be a manager within two years, so her goal is to be manager and the objective of her goal is promotion.

She goes for it, puts in the hours, seen talking to the right people, produces excellent work and bob's your uncle, she gets promoted!

But her marriage has ended and her kids spend more time with their Father because of the hours she's doing. She constantly feels guilty and feels she missed out on two years of their growing up and resents the time they spend with Dad.

By talking to her coach she would have been invited to explore the impact and conditions in achieving such a goal, this would give her an all round view. She would also be invited to look at the benefits and rewards of achieving her goal so ultimately she can make a well informed decision and plan accordingly.

And of course you don't need to bother with all this, but as these few lines from Alice in Wonderland cleverly illustrate you can end up anywhere or nowhere ...

"...Alice went on ... would you tell me please, which way I ought to go from here?

That depends where you want to get to, said the cat. I don't much care where, said Alice. Then it doesn't matter which way you go, said the cat. So long as I get somewhere Alice added as an explanation.

Oh your sure to do that, said the cat, if you walk long enough."

A few clues to the body language of rapport ...

We all love meeting someone we just click with!

When we have that feeling we are in rapport, researchers (Boston University Medical School and many others) have filmed people in ‘rapport’ i.e. getting on really well with one another. They noticed that people in rapport unconsciously started to co – ordinate their body movements from hand gestures right down to blinking.

Next time you're out socialising take a second just to observe who's talking to who and their body language. Then note yourself talking to different people, people you know very well and those you've just met. Notice your body movements and eye contact, what feels comfortable and what is the other person doing?

We can encourage rapport or rather build rapport with another person consciously once we know how and have practiced.

So once you've observed others and yourself out and about you will notice people in rapport will have very similar: -

• Body language - body position, head tilt, leg movements or lack of.
• Voice qualities – tone, rhythm and pace (the speed of which certain words are said and then whole sentences).
• Blink rate
• Facial expressions
• Breathing patterns

They are mirroring each other whilst in flow; this is worth observing and playing with for example mirroring then not - break rapport by introducing different body language for example crossing legs and arms, what happens?

Be warned this will lead to your 'partner' feeling uncomfortable and they may well move on or change the subject or just look for away of getting away from you!

Be very careful mirroring is not mimicry, be respectful as if it is not done well it will leave the other person feeling odd and uncomfortable. Done very well building rapport leads to a feeling of trust and empathy quickly. Good luck!

What's stopping you, the truth about those mental blocks!

We all get mental blocks, the loss of drive, motivation but once you understand what's underlying it you can deal with it however you want - you have choices, how good it that!

No matter if you consciously set goals or not, may be you say to yourself "I'll look for a new job in the new year" or "I'm going to take three months off " you will be looking forward in some way. A lot of my work is really clarifying and making the goal tangible, is it what you really want?

Then there are the Big Hairy Audacious goals that really stretch us. Such goals aren't set routinely and a lot of people don't think that far ahead or that big, they are good to really get us thinking and get us going for what we really want - the big one if you dare!

So what happens when all the initial enthusiasm and energy drops and doubts start setting in. This is a common and universal to all becoming stuck, de - motivated or just plain lost. It's these 'mental blocks' that cause everything to grind to a halt. Now this 'stuckness' can take the form of : -

1. Procasternation: - Putting it off, those thought patterns that say "oh I don't have to do it now, I'll be more enthusiastic after the summer, oh it can wait, I'm OK anyway what's the rush" ... you know the kind of thing!

2. Rationalisation: - The analysing and the rational brain concludes " ... actually I don't need to exercise more really because I'm on my feet all day" or "I'm ok my Grandmother lived until she was ninety AND she smoked all her life". You rationalise and think it through to the conclusion that suits your limiting belief and that of course keeps you in your comfort zone and keeps the status quo.

3. Resistance: - Simple refusal, often you get so close to getting where you want to be and then you think "forget it, this is totally exhausting I'm not doing anymore" and you walk out or sack your personal trainer, life coach, tutor, mentor or business partner. It's a child like response that has served you well in the past however there are times when you sabotage your own success with such reactions.

Underneath and at the centre of these three behaviours is fear!

fear of success fear of failure

fear of the unknown

The fear is feeding limiting beliefs, beliefs about ourselves that we hold as true - the way you see yourself. They are the biggest single block to fulfilling your potential!

They can be thoughts of not quite measuring up and are ways of seeing ourselves that are rigid. Often you can hear the inside voice that is your biggest critic for example when things don't quite turn out as expected "I should have known, why am I so stupid".

The statements we make about ourselves can be limiting for example "I'm not adventurous" or "I don't do parties'. Those throw away comments or sweeping statements about ourselves really do say everything.

These limiting beliefs are myths but feel very real as it's a view of yourself you've grown up with, however they can change and do change, it is possible.

Once aware of your limiting beliefs and that they are a stumbling block you can do something about it. Start with the possibility that they are not necessarily true and what if the opposite where true of you?

So saying "oh it's just the way I am" just doesn't hold any sway, yes change can be uncomfortable but you'll be working towards the reward what you want. If it's a pattern in your life what's going to be different next time?

Tips for dealing with angry and upset people

DO ... DON’T ...

Use the magic phrase “I can see/hear that you are upset”	Don’t ever tell anyone to “calm down!’
You can respect people’s feelings, values and beliefs by acknowledging them.	You do not need to approve or of them or agree with them.
Speak the speaker’s language – key words and phrases.	Don’t use the broken record technique.
Reflect feelings and facts.	Don’t rationalise with someone irrational – it doesn’t work!
Clarify and paraphrase positively.	Don’t be intent on getting them to do something specific – it will be perceived as controlling.
Ask open questions.	Avoid closed questions.
Use questioning to influence state	Don’t be defensive.
Give people choices	Don’t threaten.

· The tone of a statement can completely change depending on which words the speaker emphasises for example a sentence can sound soothing or defensive depending on where the emphasis is put.

· Try out phrases putting the emphasis on different words to decide where the emphasis needs to be for calming the situation.

Life coaching is also about ...

Today I once again met a lovely woman in Cambridge who made the assumption that coaching is about having goals - “ahh don’t you have to be focused and have a goal in mind?” or “oh isn’t that all about getting to your goal”, well a lot of my clients do want to make changes in their busy lives by setting or creating new goals.

However I also have clients who –

1. Don’t have any goals in mind

2. Have had enough of working towards goals

3. Really don’t want to anything to do with goals

So Life Coaching for me is not just about goals, focus and achievements. A very important part of what I do is giving people time to work out how they got to here and how we move on to where they want to be and sometimes it's just about understanding behaviour and patterns.

For example one client I shall call Jane contacted me and we met for two hours every month for six months. She was based in the South East and after University had taken the best job offered that was many years ago, in the mean time she had experienced two bereavements, three promotions, a company car – she was doing very well. So what did she want with coach?

Well she wanted to be looking towards the next three and final years of her career, she was going through a period of transition to early retirement or rather a new and very different life.

In her feedback she wrote that the coaching was “ purely time for me to redefine what my career and life was about … “

We did not talk about her career performance, goals or plans. She used the space literally for time to think out loud. It is my view that she used the time to really take another perspective and assimilate the bereavements, how fast her career had moved and many more events that had not been given any attention over the last twenty years but she felt were significant.

We all experience deep and moving times without any chance to really think about the impact of what’s happened to ourselves and our loved ones. We can be very hard and judgmental on ourselves at such times.

Having a coach is like having a confidante, a sounding board, a collaborative partner to support you through life’s changes. I used Jane to highlight the wide spectrum of clients I work with and to show that it’s not all about goals sometimes it’s just about having the space and time to be and in turn gaining an understanding oneself.

Networking for Virgins … or speaking from experience the joys of networking!

What follows is a mixture of training notes, feedback, and personal experience of networking in all kinds of contexts plus thoughts from my wonderful clients who now enjoy networking. So I hope this gives you some new found motivation and enthusiasm for the joys of networking. 

I often hear that networking holds all kind of fears mainly it’s the ‘lack confidence’ and the idea of selling especially if you are the product for example web designer, P.A, S.E.O, Coach etc. 

I want to start by saying I hate being sold to! Everyone does, especially women we can smell a salesperson a mile off and then most people know when they’re being sold to even if they can’t tell you why they ‘just know’. We all have that ‘neediness detector’ we can sense when someone is not telling us something because they have our best interests at heart but because they need to make a sale. So this is a good starting point we don’t like it especially within networking so you don’t do it, easy really.

Networking is about building relationships, so it means being consistent (yes turning up when it’s dark outside and freezing rain is lashing down) and being genuinely interested in other people. It can take time as you get to know the group and their businesses and remember each member has their own network of contacts outside of the group, just like you. 

Once you start thinking about your own contacts and how many people you regularly are in touch with and then those less regularly you’ll see why networking is so important. You want business and once people get to know you and build up trust they will start to tell others about you. Of course the like most things in life the more you give the more you’ll start receive, so remember: - 

“People buy people”

Once you start letting go of your own fears for example “I’ll freeze, I don’t know what to say” and start to focus on others you’ll come across far more relaxed. However do be very clear about what you’re offering and how it can benefits others and once this is ingrained in you, you’ll come across as authentic and attractive to others. I have learnt a lot by meeting some inspirational women networking and just watching them and how they come across.

Do remember to take five minutes for mental check or set your intentions before each meeting, ask yourself: - 

• What do I want out of this meeting?
  
• What is the minimum I’m happy to come away with?
  
• Who do I want to speak to today and why?
  

This helps clarify why you’re there and what’s important to you at that that meeting otherwise you can get distracted with chatting to lovely people and come away two hours later with lots of cards and nothing else. All networking is a risk to begin with as it’s your precious time and it can be up to two hours for some meetings this is why it’s important to view it like a long-term relationship. Go as a guest and see how many small to larger companies are involved – what are you looking for? Once you commit do so with integrity and enthusiasm.

So here are my 7 points to successful networking: - 

1. Be curious! Ask open questions about their business not only will you learn but you'll get to know the person alot better. Remember open questions elicit descriptive and full answers you may not want this sometimes.

2. Turn up! It's the only way to get the most out of it, this shows you're committed and consistent. Also always follow up and do what you said you would do.

3. Carry your cards everywhere. Networking doesn't stop as soon as you leave the building it happens informally all the time.

4. Remember to make that mental check and set your intentions for each meeting.

5. Stay in touch with the people that interest you, this means following through with anything you said you would do.

6. Do look for opportunities to refer and connect people, it will be reciprocated.

7. Enjoy it! Offer to help and get involved. The business will come once you decide to become more visible.