Do you make this mistake?

How are you new year resolutions going? Some people don't bother making them anymore because they have failed to follow through so many times, so I hope this short piece will throw some light on making those changes.

When you think about your resolutions do you use the following words: - 

I should, I have to, I must, I ought to ...

If you do I'm gently warning you that the chances of success are minimal, such words reveal the 'should' mindset, this focuses on what you think you 'ought/should/have' to do. This removes you from the real reasons, the motivating factors as to why you want to do it. It's as if someone else is saying it and so you feel removed from it and this causes a huge tension. Plus such statements are problem focused and add to the burden.

These statements also rely on willpower which equals really hard work. If you're not super human and can't do it or keep to it you feel a failure, after all you're only human and temptation oh is so ... er tempting. 

So you feel a failure and the cycle of distress carries on and now you feel really bad.

The good news is will power is not real, I promise you don't have to even think about it - really!

Changing habits or behaviours can be a long and lonely road, doing something so important on your own is brave yes, but in many cases setting yourself up for failure. Often the goal is too high or unrealistic to achieve on your own. If you really are serious about changing a habit, addiction (smoking, drinking) or an ingrained behaviour you need to be asking yourself are you willing to : - 

1. Make new friends

2. Change your lifestyle and sometimes that involves new friends.

3. Get help

Doing it on your own is a struggle and often those naughty thoughts will sabotage all your hard work for example "Oh why bother; I'll get a new job next year, the right job just hasn't come up and this is OK at least I've got one. I was silly hoping for something different anyway ..." 

Ah the lost dream and dashed hopes, let me give you some pointers that will help: - 

1. Think carefully about the changes you want to make and draw up a plan - I'm serious - on paper, in your diary, on the wall anywhere just a step by step plan that also includes a time line so you have dates and steps to your final goal. Then ... note the reward, REWARD yourself! Set treats along the way every 3 months for example. 

2. Follow through - make it last. Set checks and reviews along the way and be presice and very clear about your goal. often the goal isn't the end depending on how you word it, it can just the beginning so you'll need to think about how you sustain your changes.

3. Get a coach! Someone who will hold you accountable, suggests strategies and celebrate when you get there. Having a coach will ensure you're not on your own and help you get a real clear picture of the change you want to make and how to get there. Remember if it hasn't worked before for you why is it different this time?

If you're still on track -  congratulations, keep it up and good-luck!